Thursday, October 21, 2010

Why do I want to be a high school counselor?

Well, part of the reason is because I want to teach high schoolers ballroom dance. Is this a good enough reason for a career that isn't a dance teacher? ...

When I first applied to BYU-Idaho I applied as an el ed teacher. It took me one day after submitting that I said, whoooooaaaaaaaaaa! No way! Haha so I remember looking through the catalog and looking at a bunch of majors and then, thinking about how I was enjoying my psych class at the community college and how I really wanted to get into the psychology of personality class... and I thought hmm... maybe I should be a school counselor so I can work when my kids are in school and have the same vacations as them because lets be honest, most likely both parents are going to need to be working.

Is that a good reason to want to be a high school counselor?

I have done EFY for the past two summers and I LOVE working with the youth, so I know that age group is my favorite... I do know that is a good reason to want to be in the high school setting.
But should I just find a way to be involved with EFY every year instead?

I guess I should preface some of this deep introspection... well here it is, post preface at least. haha
Tonight we had an additional relief society meeting, where Dr Yamata, a clinical psychologist came and talked to us. I had heard the topic was "Fear of Progression" And I was SUPER excited because thats me. I am that.

I never really had to plan life, but in high school you apply for college. My friends were, and I did. I don't remember when I decided I wanted to go to BYU-I, but it was the only college I even applied to. And for whatever reason, in college I said, yeah I want a masters. But I didn't plan it. I should have taken a gre prep course my senior year, and taken the friggen test back then.... but I didn't. I didn't understand all that. Freudian as it may be, my parents never did that stuff and therefore didn't teach it to me, so thus making it their fault. ;) I only buy into that so much. I am in charge of myself and can change that stuff and I should have taken that initiative, but I didn't realize I needed to. So thats why I am here.

Back to tonight, Dr Yamata gave a good talk about perception and thoughts and feelings and truth... it was good. But it wasn't the AMAZING insightful sermon on how I can stop having a fear of progression in life-- and let's be honest. I am afraid of becoming something. In high school my boyfriend was jealous of me and there was a tension in our relationship because I had a job and he didn't, or I had a better job and he didn't, or I was better at this than him, or yada yada... and I like a man to be in control, to be the strong one, to take the lead. I LIKE it when a guy orders for me at a restaurant! So I am afraid of becoming something, a young woman with a master's degree, a real job, tied to a place where there are no guys to date or to a place I might not want to leave if I meet a guy who needs to move somewhere else. because lets be honest, I am motivated to meet a guy and get married. thats been the plan, the goal ever since forever when you grow up in the church. So thats part of the reason I didn't plan this far or take all the right steps to get me into a masters program yet... cause I thought I'd be married by now.

That said, I do enjoy not being married yet! I am having fun in life, turns out I am a bit of a workaholic... but is that more of a coping mechanism to not have to deal with life because I don't have time to think about how I haven't done all the things I want to in the time frame I expected myself to?

(pausing to think. Should I just send this in for all of my grad school apps inplace of the essay for "why do you want to be a school counselor?" haha... yikes! Too much info. I always mean to write just a little and then this huge self analysis happens... and I don't know how to cut it up!)

Going with Dr. Yamata's lesson or whatever, I do have the bigger picture in mind, that I want to have a family and yadda yadda, but I can't pin down the little details cause I don't want to make the wrong choice... but I know that whatever I choose I will make the best of it, I always do. I look for the bright side of everything, the best in everyone. what grad school do I pick?