Monday, February 06, 2012

Tales of Boyfriends Past

I recently read my friend's blog, who had read her friend's blog, and I decided to be a double copy cat. It is an intriguing idea! (to me at least...)  When I went to BYU-Idaho and worked at the testing center I often thought, who could I see come in through those doors and just start screaming out of excitement? I thought of my love from 3rd grade, Jonathan Cockran (whose name I think is spelled that way... but no way to know, as he moved in the middle of the school year before class photos) and I think that was about it. Ha! But I also often think, nowadays, how it could be really awkward to run into an ex. I remember one of my friend's mom's saying she had run into an ex boyfriend, I think he was a dentist or something... I really do not recall. But think about it, you're in your mid forty's and run into an ex, will you be ashamed or something you said, or didn't say? So, this all goes on in my head in a matter of three seconds and now I will babble about boyfriend's of the past!

A- Oh high school love... I remember we started dating the weekend after I was super lonely and decided to really focus on schoolwork and getting really good grades because for some reason I didn't have friends at my high school. But you rode in on AIM (AOL instant messenger) and changed my mind. You went to a different high school and that was okay. We dated too long, it is true. But you were fun and helped me to be a little bit more social, for sure how to be silly.

B- What else can I say other than I was barely 19 and you were 28?! It was a summer romance... or something. When we sat in the park that one day and you said you were dating me and another girl and deciding between the two of us, I should have told you to go for her, not me. I think I knew from that mid-afternoon in your parking lot where people were washing their cars and you tried to kiss me that I wasn't interested. You did applaud me on being considerate when you would open my door for me and I would lean over to unlock your door. I also remember when I can home from school one day and saw flowers on the couch through the window and my heart sank and I felt ill thinking, oh crap I bet those are for me. I think that even though I realized when you came to visit me when I went home to visit my family that I was still in love with A and never even gave you a chance and really was not interested in you at all... but it was good for me, to learn that about myself and have that experience. I am sorry you thought it was because you have depression... it had a lot to do with the fact that you were 28 and were so ready to get married that you didn't care whom to, and you would have married me who wasn't a good match for you. I think I saw on facebook that you're married and have a few kids now, I'm glad things finally worked out for you. Maybe that girl enjoyed your angel in the snow analogy. (For the record my roommates that fall had a big chuckle about that.. sorry!)

A- repeat. It was because I realized I was still obsessed with you while dating B. This time our relationship really was a bad idea. I became very sad and angry, not to mention jealous...and you were not honest with me.

D- Oh D... how I thought you were so amazing (though not at dancing, I didn't close my eyes to that... sorry) and I thought I could change you--make you want me.You used me and I let you... though at this point I didn't realize guys could be such jerks, so heartless and abusive. You were good to help keep my mind off of A, that was good for me for sure. You were very vain and self absorbed, but I heard you got married and if we ever ran into each other, I think it would be okay.

C- Yikes. This was traumatic for me for sure. I thought for sure after my past two relationships that you knew about, you were an actual decent man... You told me you weren't but I didn't believe ya. You are probably still the one person I hope never to see again because after you broke up with me and I saw you from across the street like a month or two later... my blood actually boiled and I was literally shaking. I have never had that reaction to someone and I never want to again. I do want to apologize for telling you I was thinking about making a voodoo doll of you one time... but I was honestly in a real bad way after what you did to me. I cried for a week. Cried myself to sleep, cried in class, on the way to class, in church... what a great way to start a semester!

J- Wish I hadn't fallen for you, and to be honest... I am not even sure why I did. You are a great guy, but on some level I always knew it would never work and that we were only friends. This is why it made my two week depression so strange... this was the first time I could not eat after a breakup. Cried for two weeks. But I think that's because you asked me to be in your prep for eternal marriage class... totally messing with my mind. Oh well, if we ever saw each other I think we would give one another a high five and be just fine.

R- You were a childhood dream come true... and I think that's the only reason I actually dated you. Sorry if you thought our breakup was out of no where... I knew I had been lying to myself about it all along. You are a good guy, but so super awkward and socially inept--which you do to yourself. I hope that you can shake that some day cause you'll make a gal real happy one day if you can.

T- you are the one that haunts me lately. I feel really badly for how I treated you... and sometimes I really want to text you and say hi. We were always such good friends, and when you came over--upset, and proclaimed your love for me... I was caught way off guard and knew I didn't have time to be a decent girlfriend... but in the end I made up excuses and wasn't even a decent friend, as I haven't talked to you since. I honestly do feel so terribly bad about it and wish there were an un-awkward way to talk to you... but I don't think the damage can be reversed. You were afraid that if I got accepted to grad school that I'd move away and meet someone... I doubted you but also knew I did not want to try a long distance relationship. I am honestly so sorry and wish there were ever a way to apologize.

H. (not a past boyfriend but the current one) You are so incredible. You make it worth what I've been through. You make me so thankful it didn't work out with anyone else and make me see why it never worked out... You are so understanding and kind and loving. I do not know how you can be so calm when I get so super crazy and neurotic, but you diffuse that and help me to be sane. Sometimes I don't know how we work, we are so opposite... yet so so so the same! I love you and really hope this is a forever deal... cause if you break up with me I believe it would be at least a three week depression and I don't know if I wouldn't eat or if I would gain 50 pounds. Please don't break my heart... but know that you have be in a very vulnerable spot... as I have given you my heart... I trust you. I love you.